his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
