my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
