I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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