yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
