i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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