i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
