The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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