I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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