Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She's the barista slut.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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