Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i think i have two assholes
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
