i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize