I got chris browned last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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