I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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