Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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