I got chris browned last night
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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