i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
