I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she told me i tasted like america
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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