i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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