I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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