I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
