Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My penis needs a shock collar
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
