He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
