my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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