i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
