Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
