gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
