we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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