Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
