So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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