Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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