i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
