just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
