Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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