I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
