we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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