i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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