i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
