thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
