I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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