Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
