Me. At least after what I've been through.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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