Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
