I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am one with the molecules
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
