I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
