Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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