why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this beer tastes like vomit already
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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