Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
