I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
