I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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