so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
