Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
