Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
