Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
