glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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