i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
